photos and writing from inside artists
"Life in prison" by Maria
now im 20 years old figghting a life sentence for the choices i had taken .. me myself and i the only person responsibe for my fate .. judges , deputies detectives ,corection officers taking it into their own hands to punish and destroy the only things i ever thought i had ... these people breaking me , calling me slut , murder, wet back , even crrazy because i took mental health medicaion ... even more of the humiliation for the needs of my creation ... the mask i created was one with the hardest exterior .. the need to protect any vulnerability and innocence left inside me .. trips to court rooms and diferent holding tanks that had more people in that were possible , no room to move or stand followed by the abuse of those transporting me to where i was to be .... treating me like beast even before the gavel sound along with the words guilty where audible ... all those illegal strip searches done in a parking lot beside busses and hundreds of women who were humuliated and shamed for their bodies and the way we smelled , spraying air freshener to make the statement clear ... is that the American dream /// is that what my ancestors and parents dreamed for me .. for any one ... my spirit broken , desensitized to my trauma experienced by those who promised to serve and protect .. a bandaid given with a settlement of a few thosands once a year ... wth... what is the message i am to recieve ... in prison day 5 of my stay an officer prmising me contraband for a little bit more of me .. is that the way im suppose to heal and rehabilitate .. transfered to another institution where people serving life sentences have nothing to lose ... wait me too /.. now i have something to prove .. these internal believes of see nthing say nothing .. naive little me ... officer wanting another part of me, the minute someone spoke up for me , the officer had his partner kick him and threw my friend to the ground and a case and to court she went /// wait isnt that who is supose to protect... my family away , that pain hard to bare my best way to deal with it was to numb it away ... yes i met a substance who blurred 8 years of the pain away ...expectations to heal to grow and make the wrong decisions .. but from where do i recieve that ... what example do i have ,i dont know how ... my core beliefs my life codes , how do i break them when all that i see is abuse of all kinds around me...
if you asked me then what i believed in i would have answered with silence ... i believed in the love my parents gave to me ... not a god ,not in the justice system ,not in quality , i didnt even believe in me ... and even with all that still my family never gave up on me ... now i ask myself how life would be if i was free ... i sat and realise ive already been freed ... i have no addiction the chains of doubt and victimization are off my spirit ... i test my limits and i give every piece of knowledge to anyone who wants it .. i belived in my dream to be a councelor went for it and got my licence ... yes ffrom prison ...
so you asked yourself , Maria what does lfe look like out side of this prison .. i cant tell you, i only try to think of today, but the dreams of my parents , siblings ,nieces and nephews are the dreams who one day will come true .... it might not be the American dream but it is their Dreams ...
We are a nation that prosecutes children as adults yet displays an appalling lack of interest in protecting them
by Tasha Brown
Prisoner. That term evokes a painful dualism of feelings. As an individual who has violated the law, I fully comprehend that my incarceration is a consequence.
After nearly 19 years behind the blockade of brick and razor wire, I have had a tremendous opportunity for growth.
My commitment offense occurred when I was 15. I was sentenced to 37 years to life.
Life. That has an indisputable permanence to it. We are a nation that prosecutes children as adults yet displays an appalling lack of interest in protecting them.
Of the 2 million plus people in U.S. penal facilities, over 60 percent were sexually abused as children. The abuse being a precursor, of course, does not absolve offending behavior, yet arbitrary laws and mandatory minimums in sentencing disregard this factor.
We’ve heard it before, “school to prison pipeline.” What we don’t hear is that racist policies are strategically woven into our education system, which creates fundamental inequalities.
Impoverished children dodge bullets and bullies to make it to an underfunded school, to receive a substandard education. Adolescence is a stressful time as it is; add to the equation the compounded challenges of children in marginalized communities.
Twenty-two percent of children in the U.S. still live in poverty.
The conditions no doubt propel these children onto the conveyor belt of the criminal justice system. It is called “affluenza” when a privileged child commits a crime, to negate consequences. Poverty itself is criminalized, so the impoverished received a politicized form of justice: a rendition of lynching – institutional lynching.
Mainstream media, with its fear mongering approach to reporting, does not properly contextualize Black and Brown crime. The public relies on the outlets for news, but what passes for news has a doctrinal slant.
News like the Tulsa Race Massacre gets suppressed. As off-putting as Black bodies littering the streets is – it is truth.
Truth is rich and poor people live in a parallel universe. Truth is, mass incarceration has roots in Black codes. Truth is, police brutality has roots in slave catchers making an example of runaway slaves.
I keep hearing, “racial reckoning.” Can there really be a racial reckoning when the criminal justice system is reinstituting slavery through mass incarceration? 13th Amendment.
Until there is a radical transformation of this system that is predicated on slave labor, all discourse rings hollow. Nuances of language scratches itching ears yet produces no meaningful change.
Twenty-two percent of children in the U.S. still live in poverty. And due to systemic race discrimination, a disproportionate number of prisoners come from poverty.
Further, 90 percent of persons in prison for drug offenses are of color, which exacerbates disenfranchisement.
An adolescent offender deemed a throwaway to society, too young to purchase cigarettes or alcohol, obtain a driver’s permit, vote, consent to sex or sign a legally binding contract, but not too young to be prosecuted as an adult and sentenced to civil death in prison seems a flagrant violation.
A violation as egregious as discrimination: discrimination by race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, political affiliation, physical challenges – and even a felony conviction.
The capacity to change is within us all. The season is ripe; don’t let its fruit be simply another artificial high.
Equality for all.
Kanoa
BIOGRAPHY From Video/Artistic Collaboration:
Living with a diagnosis of bipolar is challenging. to wake up each day and have to look into a mirror that stares back blank at you is my morning ritual.
looking in my own eyes, paying attention to my soul, listening to the beat of my heart to see how my day will begin. I've gotten good enough to now know how it will end. My intuition guides me. Mental illness can have one suffer alone in silence, speaking mostly through our extreme mood changes. creating our own bubble to keep the likes of judgment and personalizing on the outskirts of it.
Once someone finds out they have a mental illness they start to feel uncomfortable like-now the world knows, they feel like the staring and whispers start. Friends and loved ones have personal aha moments, like I knew it and purposeful personal judgements. others start looking for signs in themselves. Am I? could I be?
What we feel is hard to articulate in words-the words that scream stigma when talking about the taboo subject of the challenges we face. I personally have experienced distorted perceptions by others about mental illness in general. misconceptions, ignorance, lack of empathy, and misguided belief systems all play a role in how we are treated. I am looked at as a ticking time bomb, unstable and unpredictable.
bipolar does not define me, I simply live with it versus just existing from it. systems have failed and shunned me, hospitalized me for attempted suicides, out bursts, bizarre behavior and acting out. I once had to wear two masks in fear of the judgements. Now I am just my authentic self. love, like or hate me. I don't really care.
Mental illness also affects your personal and intimate relationships. Sometimes those closest to you hurt you the most. Using the ammunition of crazy to demean or describe you to others. your partners always on edge waiting on the other shoe to drop. begging you to stop being 'crazy' or mood swinging. something at times you cannot help. How do you maintain a relationship this way? The ties that bonded all your relationships and friendships have diminished slowly to fear literally of the unknown behaviors.
I am lucky to have a correct diagnosis and treatment available.. sometimes one needs to know they have a support system to even attempt to take the first step of the rest of their new lives. Meditation works and makes not only my life manageable but gives a piece of security to my relationships/friendships.
I was in the highest held inmate position in our prison for a few years and I managed that huge responsibility as I struggle to manage the beast that tries to shame me daily. I've created programs both recreation and rehabilitative and on the other side of the spectrum I have literally bottomed out thinking of ways out of the misery and pain in my depression. The constant cycling can be managed. I have been stabilized for a while now and can't envision living any other way. It is now my choice on how I want to live. medication and therapy works. This does not mean I am without episodes, it means I have a better chance of dealing with them effectively.
Those of us who suffer quietly daily live in a world partially created by you, you and you. If you know someone struggling from mental illness, remember this short excerpt of my struggle, it could easily be yours or someone you know or will one day meet. Just remember we are all human too just trying to make it through a maze called life. be a part of the solution not the problem. stop the whispering and start a conversation, stop the judgements and look for the best in others, stop the cycle and take a look at yourself in the mirror, see who stares back at you!
I hope to contribute a small part of my passion by breaking the cycle of stigmas about mental illness......this is some of my story
POETRY
Poem #1: The Barbs
Tired of seeing the barbs (barb wire)
seventeen years of emotional scars,
a life ruined on both sides of the fence,
never truly giving me a chance to repent.
Feeling lost and hopeless looking out to the barbs.
Light gleaming off the metal,
razor waiting to find pleasure,
electrocution is sure to follow,
my heart, mind and soul has become hollow.
Looking at the barbs I'm reminded of a time in life,
I wish i could rewind,
a time of misery and pain,
lots of love loss,
no emotional gain.
I see the barbs and i am reminded of the hurt i imposed,
a need to be constantly reminded for it was the dirty deeds I chose.
Now i sit here,
barbs a part of my nightly lullaby,
deep in the heart and mind,
I silently whisper (to God) and cry.
There's no pain that is more inflicted,
I admit I was lustfully addicted.
The barbs are imbedded in my heart,
The just deserved punishment for playing my part.
Poem #2: TO ME
dear you
yes you
no you
you over there
can you hear me?
you
yeah you
no you over there
help me
who?
you
yeah you
no you over there
help me I asked
who
who you
yeah you
no you
psssst
you over there
who me....
yes ME
Poem #3: SOUNDS
shhhhhh
bam
shhhhhh
pssst
shhhhhh
creeeeeeek
shhhhhh
you shhhhh
do u hear the sounds I do?
can you hear it fade away?
do you need for me to cry out loud for you to hear me?
shhhhhhhh
just listen for the pin drop
ding
oh I mean ping
shut up your hurting my ears
how can I be if I'm silent
shhhhhh
stop telling me to shhhhhhhhh
just want you to hear me
shhhhhhhh
listen to the pin
silence
silenced me again
shhhhhh
you shhhhhhh
BOOM!
Poem #4: WHO KNOWS ME
u don't really know me
no one does.
I don't know me either
THE END
Monday- February 14, 2022
3rd Watch: I arrived in the gym prior to 4:30 count. l/M's complaining to staff about not having supplies to clean, no sanitary supplies were given out, staff was unconcerned about everything and anything. The food cart sitting outside, food being served cold.
- I approached staff and asked if we could close down restroom area to clean, staff was unwilling to allow it. I was told there were no chemicals or supplies to clean with. I asked if an emergency order could be placed for chemicals and sanitary supplies. The officer took me into both supply rooms and there was only cellblock. C/O called the watch office and was only given 3 green scrubbies and 2 Ajax cans. I cut up my personal towel and cleaned with a crew of inmates: 16 toilets, 16 sinks, and 9 showers. It was horrible. The toilets had caked on feces and blood, sinks had food in them, shower was filthy. After spending an hour in there, only one set of toilets were able to be cleaned. The c/o then came to tell me an emergency order was placed with the Watch Commander. There were no female c/o's, and nobody did hourly walks. Both staff staying in cop shop. An inmate came in from R&R with no bed roll. The gym did not have one for her. She slept on a bare mattress with a jacket only to cover her. She was not given even a "fish kit." There was numerous arguments and staff did nothing to diffuse or deescalate the situations. Inmates were stealing from each other and staff did nothing.
Tuesday- February 15, 2022
2nd Watch: I spoke with the Watch clerk, and told her there was nothing to clean with, not even a mop or broom. I asked if she could ask for extra supplies from 506. Staff informed me the only supplies they receive come from overflow from the units. There is no regular supply order being brought. I also let watch clerk know there were no sanitary supplies. Female and male staff both present and still hey did not conduct hourly walks, male staff came in and out of restroom/shower area not announcing "male presence"
3' Watch: Watch clerk arrived with 2 boxes of gloves a pack of green scrubbies, 1 Ajax can, and one mop head. S&E from B yard brought 6 boxes of toilet paper, 4 boxes of pads, 3 boxes of tampons and 1 bucket of indigent laundry soap. Male staff was not announcing their presence when coming in/out of restroom/shower area. No hourly walk throughs were being conducted. Numerous arguments were happening and staff was not intervening. There was no consistency with staff. Inmates had only one broom, there was one mop head and it was black and crusted with dirt and grime. The soap dispensers in restrooms were empty. There was no indigent bar soap to use. Inmates had no laundry detergent to wash their clothes. There were no bed rolls still. At 1900 hours a cleaning crew double scrubbed restroom/shower area.
Wednesday- February 16, 2022
2nd Watch: Conditions unchanged. Still not adequate cleaning supplies available. Still no hourly walk throughs, no "male staff" announcement. Chow hall food cart sat outside of B program for an hour until gym staff left their post to push it over. Numerous confrontations happened and staff did nothing to diffuse situations. I was approaching staff asking for work orders to be called in for the shower having lukewarm/cold water, nothing was being done.
3 Watch: Food cart was not pushed over to gym for 45 minutes. Staff did not conduct hourly walk throughs, no "male staff" announced their presence when going in/out of shower/bathroom area. At 1900 hours we shut down restroom and cleaned with what we had Staff unwilling to diffuse escalating situations.
Thursday- February 17, 2022
2nd Watch: Food cart left outside B program. Gym staff left their post to get it 30 minutes later, it sat outside, food was cold, seagulls circling it. Custody Captain arrived, I gave him a list of issues/concerns and he made a copy and gave it back to me. We walked through the gym and he stood in the middle making an announcement to push the beds apart and I went to each area and spaced them according to what he asked for. Supplies arrived-sanitary supplies, cleaning chemicals came. Staff still not conducting hourly walks or announcements. Custody Captain returned with a copy of all issues/concerns I wrote for him.
3rd Watch: Food cart left outside building. I cleaned the cop shop and I found 2 milk crates filled with outgoing inmate mail. Staff still unwilling to step in and diffuse confrontations between inmates. There were no hourly walk throughs. Clothing still did not provide gym with cleaning rags or bed rolls.
Friday- February 18, 2022
2nd Watch: No hot water for the entire building. Asked staff numerous times o call plant ops to remind them to turn on the pilot light for gym. Custody Captain came with the diagram for bed/locker gym set up. He asked if I would work on it, I said "yes" but I asked additional staff to come in case of confrontational inmates. He said he was sending main yard S&E's, they never came. I moved the beds/lockers myself. Meanwhile because we still did not have any hot water I was boiling buckets with my personal stinger for people to use. The staff was "too busy" to worry about the cold water, and would not make any calls to plant ops. About 1200 hours, plant ops arrives to assess showers and see if they can build the shower doors. I informed them we still had no hot water and they were unaware, no one came to light the gym pilot light. I asked if the cartridges in shower could be changed because the temperature was cold, they told me they didn't have the parts to fix it.
3rd Watch: Still no hourly walk throughs. Staff not wanting to step in and diffuse inmate confrontations at all. Bathroom/shower area being cleaned at 1700 hours.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday- February 19, 20, 21, 2022
-Conditions improved slightly. Staff still not conducting hourly walks. No female officer was present to monitor showers/bathrooms. Cleaning schedule began. Showers/bathrooms shut down between 1000-1100 hours and 1900-2000 hours for cleaning. Tampons/pads left out for inmate use. Toilet paper issued, 2 rolls per inmate every 2 days or upon arrival. Gym beds/lockers were placed in accordance to Fire Marshall regulations. Inmates had adequate supplies to clean/disinfect living areas.
Art & Incarceration Spring 2022
a branch of Performing Arts & Community Exchange